LUTV have been granted exclusive rights to the production and dissemination of a documentary about the takeover at Leeds United. The following is a short excerpt from the full piece, viewable after a series of twenty-four adverts for Howard’s Restaurant in the free play video segment of Leeds United’s website. The rest is available for the low, low price of £72 a month. “A bargain”, says the guy who did the pricing.
[A conference room. Suited men sit at either end of a long, wooden table. Behind the camera, a door opens and closes, and in front, flustered, walks a man wearing a suit in a manner akin to a small child forced into one for a relative’s wedding.]
UNNAMED MAN
Sorry I’m late. Crazy day down at the station. We had seven listeners on one of the broadcasts.
[He seats himself at one end of the table. At the other end, clearly annoyed at the late arrival, a man clears his throat.]
THE THROAT-CLEARER
Well, now that you’ve seen fit to join us Mr. Fry, can we begin? Everything from this point on is on the record, and will enter the club’s archives. Seated in clockwise order, we have myself, the representative of *bleeped out of broadcast*, and to my left, the two lawyers representing said person. Around the table, we have Shaun Harvey, Chief Executive Officer of Leeds United, Ken Bates, principal owner and…Benjamin Fry, station director of Yorkshire Radio. Listen, Shaun, does he actually have to be here?
SHAUN HARVEY
The Chairman prefers him to be, yes. Makes him feel more comfortable.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
It’s just he keeps derailing the meetings. Yesterday he managed to drench us in ink from his pen. The day before, he somehow contrived to set the room on fire.
[Flash cut to Ben Fry in an interview set-up. He’s seated behind a desk.]
BEN FRY
I really can’t let this takeover go through. We all know that Yorkshire Radio is only here because Ken loves his weekly interview. If he goes, it goes, and I’ll be turfed out. I can’t go back to my old job.
[Home footage, dated 28/05/2003, time stamped 19:53. A stage in a Working Men’s Club. Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” plays over the PA system as some unnamed, out of focus man cavorts on stage].
FEMALE HECKLER
Come on Fry-man, take it off!
[Back to Ben Fry being interviewed].
BEN FRY
I really can’t go back.
[We go back to the boardroom. Ben Fry is taking a drink of water.]
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Well, aside from that, we have some matters that need to be agreed upon. I’ve been tasked today with finalizing the cost of the takeover, so that the funds can be transferred to our London based account within time for payment. Now, correct me if I remember incorrectly, but the last sticking point was the payment necessary with regards to any promotion to the Premier League. Have you had any sort of, movement in your thoughts about that Ken?
BEN FRY
HEY! WHO SAID YOU COULD ADDRESS MR CHAIRMAN DIRECTLY?
[Ken Bates sits there placidly. He does not seem affected. Ben Fry begins to stroke his hair.]
BEN FRY
It’ll be alright Mr Chairman. Don’t listen to the nasty man. What he meant to say, Mr Chairman, was, have you, in your infinite wisdom, decided how much money you desire when Leeds United get promoted to the Premier League, thanks to your excellent infrastructural work? After all, you deserve great credit and payment, because without corporate facilities, how would this football club exist?
[Ken looks up at him.]
KEN BATES
I want £5,000,000.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Now Ken…
BEN FRY
Mr Chairman!
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Fine, Mr Chairman, We’ve been over this, that isn’t possible. We’re already going to have to cover your administration fees upon promotion. There’s no way we can pay that much to you. A million is our best offer.
BEN FRY
What he means, Mr Chairman, is…in your glory and honour, your greatness and your goodness, your sovereignty…will you be so great, so kind, as to accept a mere million pounds after so many years of hard work?
KEN BATES
Alright.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Excellent, now…
KEN BATES
Are you Italian?
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Erm, I’m not entirely sure how pertinent that is, but no, I was born in Cambridge.
KEN BATES
You must have Italian blood then. Tough negotiators the Italians.
[Cut to another interview situation, this time with The Representative.]
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Is that even a stereotype? Have I missed out on that? Is that common knowledge?
[Back to the boardroom.]
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Yes, sure. So, now that that’s out of the way, we need to work on the terms of how the club will be run upon your departure. Now, from what I remember, Shaun wants to be able to stay in his post.
SHAUN HARVEY
You misheard me.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Oh did I?
SHAUN HARVEY
I want to deliver the post. You know, around the building. I’ve got a bag and everything. It’s red.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Right.
SHAUN HARVEY
So if, say, you need an official Leeds United mug taken to Neil Warnock, so he can have his tea. You press a button and I’d come. I’d pop the mug in my bag. Here, let me show you.
[Harvey brings a red bag out from somewhere and puts it on the table. He puts a mug in it.]
SHAUN HARVEY
Just pop it in the bag. Then I’d walk over to Neil’s office and knock on his door. He’d sign a form, I’d give him the mug, and then bam, I’ve got something to file.
THE REPRESENTATIVE
That sounds great Shaun.
[Back to the interview.]
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Yeah, he’s definitely going.
[And the conference room.]
THE REPRESENTATIVE
Also, Ken, we need to discuss some structural changes. For example, our intention would be to shut down Yorkshire Radio.
[Ben Fry rises, violently.]
BEN FRY
NO! YOU CAN’T! I NEED THIS JOB. PLEASE MR CHAIRMAN, HELP!
THE REPRESENTATIVE
*sigh* If you agree to this Ken, I’ll get the deluxe Boneless Banquet for lunch rather than just the Bargain Bucket.
KEN BATES
Hmm. Alright.
BEN FRY
NO! DAMN YOU ALL! DAMN YOU ALL TO HADES!
[Ben Fry storms out of the room.]
KEN BATES
Shaun?
SHAUN HARVEY
Yes Ken, what is it? Do you need something delivered?
KEN BATES
Who was that man?
[Cut to black. Title sequence rolls. To be continued appears at the end.]
Follow Amitai Winehouse on Twitter @awinehouse1
To clarify, the above is all fake. Caricatures and parody.
