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Takeover: The Documentary

Takeover: The Documentary

Takeover: The Documentary

LUTV have been granted exclusive rights to the production and dissemination of a documentary about the takeover at Leeds United. The following is a short excerpt from the full piece, viewable after a series of twenty-four adverts for Howard’s Restaurant in the free play video segment of Leeds United’s website. The rest is available for the low, low price of £72 a month. “A bargain”, says the guy who did the pricing.

[A conference room. Suited men sit at either end of a long, wooden table. Behind the camera, a door opens and closes, and in front, flustered, walks a man wearing a suit in a manner akin to a small child forced into one for a relative’s wedding.]

UNNAMED MAN

Sorry I’m late. Crazy day down at the station. We had seven listeners on one of the broadcasts.

[He seats himself at one end of the table. At the other end, clearly annoyed at the late arrival, a man clears his throat.]

THE THROAT-CLEARER

Well, now that you’ve seen fit to join us Mr. Fry, can we begin? Everything from this point on is on the record, and will enter the club’s archives. Seated in clockwise order, we have myself, the representative of *bleeped out of broadcast*, and to my left, the two lawyers representing said person. Around the table, we have Shaun Harvey, Chief Executive Officer of Leeds United, Ken Bates, principal owner and…Benjamin Fry, station director of Yorkshire Radio. Listen, Shaun, does he actually have to be here?

SHAUN HARVEY

The Chairman prefers him to be, yes. Makes him feel more comfortable.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

It’s just he keeps derailing the meetings. Yesterday he managed to drench us in ink from his pen. The day before, he somehow contrived to set the room on fire.

[Flash cut to Ben Fry in an interview set-up. He’s seated behind a desk.]

BEN FRY

I really can’t let this takeover go through. We all know that Yorkshire Radio is only here because Ken loves his weekly interview. If he goes, it goes, and I’ll be turfed out. I can’t go back to my old job.

[Home footage, dated 28/05/2003, time stamped 19:53. A stage in a Working Men’s Club. Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” plays over the PA system as some unnamed, out of focus man cavorts on stage].

FEMALE HECKLER

Come on Fry-man, take it off!

[Back to Ben Fry being interviewed].

BEN FRY

I really can’t go back.

[We go back to the boardroom. Ben Fry is taking a drink of water.]

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Well, aside from that, we have some matters that need to be agreed upon. I’ve been tasked today with finalizing the cost of the takeover, so that the funds can be transferred to our London based account within time for payment. Now, correct me if I remember incorrectly, but the last sticking point was the payment necessary with regards to any promotion to the Premier League. Have you had any sort of, movement in your thoughts about that Ken?

BEN FRY

HEY! WHO SAID YOU COULD ADDRESS MR CHAIRMAN DIRECTLY?

[Ken Bates sits there placidly. He does not seem affected. Ben Fry begins to stroke his hair.]

BEN FRY

It’ll be alright Mr Chairman. Don’t listen to the nasty man. What he meant to say, Mr Chairman, was, have you, in your infinite wisdom, decided how much money you desire when Leeds United get promoted to the Premier League, thanks to your excellent infrastructural work? After all, you deserve great credit and payment, because without corporate facilities, how would this football club exist?

[Ken looks up at him.]

KEN BATES

I want £5,000,000.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Now Ken…

BEN FRY

Mr Chairman!

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Fine, Mr Chairman, We’ve been over this, that isn’t possible. We’re already going to have to cover your administration fees upon promotion. There’s no way we can pay that much to you. A million is our best offer.

BEN FRY

What he means, Mr Chairman, is…in your glory and honour, your greatness and your goodness, your sovereignty…will you be so great, so kind, as to accept a mere million pounds after so many years of hard work?

KEN BATES

Alright.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Excellent, now…

KEN BATES

Are you Italian?

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Erm, I’m not entirely sure how pertinent that is, but no, I was born in Cambridge.

KEN BATES

You must have Italian blood then. Tough negotiators the Italians.

[Cut to another interview situation, this time with The Representative.]

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Is that even a stereotype? Have I missed out on that? Is that common knowledge?

[Back to the boardroom.]

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Yes, sure. So, now that that’s out of the way, we need to work on the terms of how the club will be run upon your departure. Now, from what I remember, Shaun wants to be able to stay in his post.

SHAUN HARVEY

You misheard me.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Oh did I?

SHAUN HARVEY

I want to deliver the post. You know, around the building. I’ve got a bag and everything. It’s red.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Right.

SHAUN HARVEY

So if, say, you need an official Leeds United mug taken to Neil Warnock, so he can have his tea. You press a button and I’d come. I’d pop the mug in my bag. Here, let me show you.

[Harvey brings a red bag out from somewhere and puts it on the table. He puts a mug in it.]

SHAUN HARVEY

Just pop it in the bag. Then I’d walk over to Neil’s office and knock on his door. He’d sign a form, I’d give him the mug, and then bam, I’ve got something to file.

THE REPRESENTATIVE

That sounds great Shaun.

[Back to the interview.]

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Yeah, he’s definitely going.

[And the conference room.]

THE REPRESENTATIVE

Also, Ken, we need to discuss some structural changes. For example, our intention would be to shut down Yorkshire Radio.

[Ben Fry rises, violently.]

BEN FRY

NO! YOU CAN’T! I NEED THIS JOB. PLEASE MR CHAIRMAN, HELP!

THE REPRESENTATIVE

*sigh* If you agree to this Ken, I’ll get the deluxe Boneless Banquet for lunch rather than just the Bargain Bucket.

KEN BATES

Hmm. Alright.

BEN FRY

NO! DAMN YOU ALL! DAMN YOU ALL TO HADES!

[Ben Fry storms out of the room.]

KEN BATES

Shaun?

SHAUN HARVEY

Yes Ken, what is it? Do you need something delivered?

KEN BATES

Who was that man?

[Cut to black. Title sequence rolls. To be continued appears at the end.]

Follow Amitai Winehouse on Twitter @awinehouse1

To clarify, the above is all fake. Caricatures and parody.

The End is in Sight

The End is in Sight

The End is in Sight

Admit it, the last few weeks have been torturous. Every false-dawn. Every moment at which the dark night that is a Bates-filled future has risen once more over the horizon of next season. Every laboured metaphor that has been used in this article thus far. Just when everyone thought that things might be, finally, getting better, that the sun was once again breaking out over the still hotel-less Beeston, it seems as though that future may once again be darkened.

Yet is it? Over the last few weeks, several times I have been incredibly tempted to write something up to symbolize my increasing distaste at the panicky, reactionary, and occasionally stupid impressions my fellow Leeds United fans have been giving off on various social media websites. There’s an overprinted poster that has become incredibly common in most university rooms over the last few years, and it would be apt in this situation. Things take time. Calm down. Retain a semblance of sensibility. Yes, I understand the majority of you want him gone. He’s going. It is as simple as.

I am going to stick my neck out here, because after a mainly positive reaction to the last article, I was accused of wishful thinking with regards to the end of the Bates regime in some quarters. There has been events since that point that have continued to prop up my firm belief that there is no possible way for Ken Bates to remain in charge past the end of this summer.

Little has terrified people more than the potential for a collapsed takeover leading Warnock to walk out on the club. We’ve seen the financial constraints that he would have to operate under should Bates not leave, leading to, for example, the end of the deal for Joel Ward. This would simply not be acceptable to a manager seeking an eight and final promotion in his long career.

Here’s where a sticking point comes up. I don’t believe Warnock is threatening to leave because of any Bates imposed transfer budget or wage cap. According to sources, (and as I always say, I hate how falsely in the know this makes me sound) a takeover has been brewing for a significantly longer period than has been in the public eye. I first started hearing from said sources with regards to this much earlier in the season. Warnock was probably happy to come in and work for Leeds with the knowledge that by the summer, all of the formalities would have been completed and he’d have been able to get to work with a new budget to play with.

The problem, I imagine, is something on Ken’s end. He has a significantly complicated way of structuring his businesses, and to unravel them would probably take immense amounts of time. Not only this, but his demands will be great. Any potential purchaser will probably be forced into paying a premium above the actual value of the club, and this will surely need to be negotiated down.

With these barriers in the way, isn’t it possible that it could all collapse? Obviously. We could receive a press release in a week or so telling us that no investment is forthcoming, the Leeds United Supporter’s Trust were to blame and that we should all “go forth and multiply”. I don’t really see it panning out that way.

Why? As I said earlier, this is a process that has been going on for a significant length of time. I genuinely believe that by this point, with the press having caught wind of it and potential buyers seemingly having toured Elland Road and Thorp Arch, we are mere days away from some sort of movement.

On the other hand, if it does all collapse, Ken Bates is, quite frankly, absolutely fucked. Neil Warnock, ‘the saviour’, will walk. He won’t operate under Ken’s budgetary constraints. That is one segment of our continually brainwashed fan base that will see through the blindfold to the bigger picture.

Then there are the players. Yesterday’s statement from LUST should herald a massive turning point. The players are not greedy. Leeds United is a club that most people would run through brick walls to play for, especially when you are not necessarily Premier League quality, but only a step below. Sadly, Ken Bates has, in the eyes of these players, plated these brick walls with titanium, added electrical wiring either side of them and built moats around them. And these moats are filled with genetically modified sharks that are also devilishly devious and carry plates of Nando’s chicken to entice the players in.

But I digress. Ken Bates’s regime is becoming increasingly untenable. People have accepted the idea of a takeover now. People are expecting the end. Confidence is integral to any regime. The important thing now is that the fan base unites under a single banner in order to ensure that, in the event of any misfortune, we can pressure and push until the end comes.

In East Germany during the cold war, members of the State Security, the Stasi, were notorious. The stigma attached with being a former member of the Stasi remains great to this day. They informed. They lied. They propagated the falsehoods that the regime sought to espouse. Ken Bates isn’t even paying you. You’re not doing this for any ideological purpose. Don’t listen to his lies alone. Open your mind. Relax. Float down the stream. Read the facts. Inform yourself. Make a more calculated decision.

Unite. Pressure. Ensure the future of our club. Marching on Together.

Follow Amitai Winehouse on Twitter @awinehouse1

Is this the end of the Bates era?

Something’s in the air. Is it excitement or disappointment? With Leeds United, the two things often come in abundance. Last year, excitement gave way to misanthropy. People walked towards Elland Road knowing mediocrity was on the cards.

Something is amiss. People can’t figure out what is going on. Tweeters are tweeting. Forumers are foruming.

Is Ken Bates finally fucking off?

You dream about it. You thought the day would never come. Suddenly rumours abound, running at you, knocking you over like excited dogs. They leave turds of misinformation lying around the place. Occasionally you step into one of them, complain about it, then realise that these dogs have been eating gold bars on the sly, and you’re riding this turd train to a well informed future.

What am I trying to say? We have finally reached the point, as a fan base, that there are so many rumours about Bates leaving, about him selling up, that you feel something is amiss. The situation has got progressively weirder at Elland Road as well.

The summer began all hunky-dory. Warnock was being backed. The defence was being shored up. Jason Pearce, an actual prospect with an actual future ahead of him, had agreed to join Leeds United. He’d been given an actual contract. Leeds United, heaven forbid, had paid actual cash-money for him to join. We were harvesting the corpse of another club that had collapsed for any useful organs. It was exciting.

Then we stalled. Joel Ward, who two weeks ago was someone Leeds fans were unconvinced by, has become the messiah. His un-signing has become the non-symbol for all of the things that have already gone anti-right this summer. Ipswich may beat us once again to another player. What is it about players that Leeds have or want to have that make them desire East Anglia so? Are they curious about the former homeland of the Iceni? Are they intending to do master’s degrees at Cambridge? Have we been approaching too many intellectual players? These are all questions I ask myself whilst shuffling around town, screaming at passers-by and dealing with those damn government spies who want to harvest my brain facts.

So why has this occurred? Word emanating from the club, filtering through relatively official channels such as the Yorkshire Evening Post, suggest that we can’t, at this moment in time, drum up the £400,000 required to bring him in. Warnock wants him, and there are rumours that he might leave if this situation is not dealt with upon return from his holidays.

Then there’s the Snodgrass issue. He’s come out this week and outright pointed out that he had promises broken last summer. He’s not going to sign his contract unless he can see a future at the club. This, interestingly enough, has been met with acceptance from Peter Lorimer. Something seems awry there.

Finally, and most interestingly enough, was the news that Ken Bates is taking the summer off from being interviewed on Yorkshire Radio. This is incredibly bizarre, as, to put it simply, a significant reason why Bates purchased Leeds United and continued to own us, was that he loved being in the public eye. Former chairman Ken Bates was not interesting to the national media. With Leeds, he once again found a reason to be talked about, and where better to be talked about than his own in-house media setup? Why would he suddenly give that up? There’s no precedent. Last summer his interviews were one of very few constant updates from the club.

There are several ways to interpret this. The first, and the one I like to jump to in order that I don’t get all giddy, is that Bates is avoiding the spotlight in order to avoid further legal issues. Is it just a response to the court case that has pulled even more money out of the club?

Secondly, we could be heading to another financial combustion. This may come as a surprise, but I’m not the biggest fan of the Bates regime. Even so, I like to think Ken would not be delusional enough to constantly talk about the firm financial footing we are on whilst simultaneously battling an oncoming financial storm. Hey, there may be a surprise in store. I like to think this is unlikely.

Thirdly, and finally, we could be on the cusp of a honest, truthful, real, actual, factual, natural, understandable, takeover. In my guise as a fake writer about football, I jaunt around town in a trilby with a card saying ‘press’ stuck in it. I keep an ear to the ground for any undercurrents of information. I’ve heard relatively concrete rumours that Ken Bates may be on his way out. The internet, simultaneously, has heard the same. I’m even withholding some information that I feel doesn’t need to be proliferated, on the basis that the rumours one can find seem enough to speculate upon. They (and whoever they are, they love their metaphors) often say that there is no smoke without fire. I like to think this is true, but I’m avoiding raising my hopes too highly on the off-chance that I get burned.

Why else may this be true? Well, we could be avoiding spending money as some baffling method of saving money before Bates sells up. “Why would I spend my own penny on players when some Johnny Foreigner will come in and spend it instead?” I imagine Ken saying, whilst sat atop a throne made up of the disappointments Leeds fans have felt over the last seven years. But the point stands. Similarly, why would Lorimer speak so positively about meeting Snodgrass’s expectations. He’s usually responsible for ensuring we all understand that signing players is a luxury that successful football clubs don’t require.

To sum it all up, what is going on at Elland Road? It’s difficult to say. I may look back on this article as a foolish statement years from now, when we’re plying our trade in the Home Counties division 3, having relocated under the control of Mecha-Bates, but I think his time is almost up at Elland Road. Finally.

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