HUGHES IN SIGNING EXPERIENCED PREMIER LEAGUE PLAYERS SHOCKER

In a shocking moment that has rocked the world, Mark Hughes OBE has gone against grain and decided to use significant amounts of money from the pockets of a foreign tycoon to purchase players he has presumably only ever seen on Sky Sports. Eschewing the modern manager’s delusional willingness to scout players from places that aren’t directly available on a convenient box on a weekly basis, pointed out as being of a decent standard by a series of ex-professionals, most of whom have failed as managers, Hughes has instead chosen to rely on the understanding that if he’s repeatedly heard of a player, he’s probably good.

Hughes, famous for his ruthless scouting endeavours in last year’s capture of 2004’s Djibril Cisse, has reportedly reacted badly to the idea of his team losing 5-0 against Swansea, a team who had the gall to sign an attacking midfielder who has never even played in God’s own Premier League. The manager is delighted to finally be able to implement his defensive blueprint on a team that featured a mere four Mark Hughes signings out of a possible five in the backline.

And so it has come to this. Hughes has agreed a double deal for Michael Dawson and Ricardo Carvalho with their respective clubs, guaranteeing that the Queen’s Park Rangers would have probably been quite a decent side if they played in 2007, back when Carvalho wasn’t 34 and Michael Dawson was a prospect and not a possibly injured cast off from Chief Executive Technocrat Andres Villas-Boas’s revolutionary revolution at the Tottenham Hotspurs.

In another move that goes completely against the grain, Sunderland, purchasers of Titus Bramble, Wes Brown and John O’Shea, part of Steve Bruce’s attempts to assemble the world’s slowest defence, have decided to splurge a large load of fun-bucks at the feet of the nomadic Wolverhampton Wanderers in exchange for Steven Fletcher. Relegation’s Fletcher is set to be a key asset in Sunderland’s now presumed battle against relegation.

Neil Lennon has stated that Celtic’s European Tie is not over, despite the first leg victory over Helsingsborg. Showing the sort of ability to point out the obvious that will serve well in a one-team league, Lennon is planning to follow up his clarification that two-legged ties involve more than one match with a thesis that humans need to eat food, the sky is blue and that Andy Reid is slightly portly.

Danny Welbeck has agreed a new four-year deal at Old Trafford, during which time he will probably be loaned out to whichever former Ferguson charge gets a Premier League managerial post next. Welbeck, who said that “playing for [Endorsement] United is all I’ve ever wanted to do” has apparently been guaranteed at least four starts in the League Cup each season from 2014 onwards, after his club recruit another twenty-seven strikers ahead of him.

Chief Executive Technocrat Andres Villas Boas has proven the difference between him and football’s favourite son Harry “we all love him, honest” Redknapp by signing Emmanuel Adebayor, who returns to Spurs an entire three months after last playing for them.

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