It’s Saturday evening and Leeds have just put together yet another mediocre performance against mid-table Championship opposition. Up on the gantry sit Michael Wheadock and Eddie Gray, who are currently speaking to Madge from Tranmere who has never been to a game before and doesn’t know what colour Leeds play in.

Wheadock: “I’m going to have to stop you there Madge, I’ve just been informed we can go live to the Elland Road tunnel to speak to the gaffer, Neil Warnock”.

Gray: “Hiya Neil”.

Warnock: “Hiya lads. Disappointing performance today realleh, didn’t think we got at them enough in the second half. I mean, [Browneh/Luke/Dioufeh/Tongeh/The best goalkeeper in England, if not the world, if not the universe itself Paddy Kenny] wer great but some of the others…”

Gray: “So you think it came down to the individuals did’ya?”

Warnock: Well I mean, think about the last 20 minutes. You can’t be given the chance that [Ross McCormack/Ross McCormack/El Had-just kidding! Ross McCormack] was given and not score! I mean, realleh, I can’t put the ball in for them. You know, I wer a winger like you Eddie…”

Gray: “Not as good as me Neil…”

Warnock: “And I just don’t like to see that, you know, the way that [Luciano Becchio/Ross McCormack/a one-legged half-fit Davide Somma] just didn’t convert all of those chances he created for himself out of the blue. But you know, I’ve got an honest bunch and I can’t fault any of the effort put in by [Luke Varney/Paddy Kenny/Rudy Austin/Michael Brown/any of the players Warnock signed except for Ryan Hall].”

Gray: “Do you think the side is missing something, like, you know, a footballer?”

Warnock: “Well, Shaun’s working his socks off to get me a [winger/striker/7th left back] in, but they’re just not available. I need someone to add a bit of class in the opposition half, make the difference, you know Eddie?”

Wheadock: “People have been asking about Ryan Hall…”

Warnock: “Oh no, he’s so young, the crowd out here would frighten him! Scary bunch this lot aren’t they Eddie? But you know, they’re ever so good to me and they have been ever since I came! If I didn’t have their backing, I’d be out of here in a second, but you know, they love me ever so much. Next year I wanna give them a team with [power/pace/honesty/corner flags].”

Eddie: “What about people calling for you to make a substitute?”

Warnock: “What do they know eh? They’ve not got those coaching badges that Graham Taylor knitted for me. Look at them, pure silk, glorious. No, [I know what I’m doing/they’re entitled to their opinions after that display/please can they give me some advice?]”.

Eddie: “The referee had a good game didn’t he…?”

Warnock: “Yeah except for that decision in the first half where [opposition player should have been sent off/Leeds should have had a penalty/the game should have been abandoned because someone had the audacity to lay a finger on poor old Michael Brown]! I can’t abide that, the game’s gone mad! [Premier League standard referee] is a great official but he just got that one wrong!”.

Follow Amitai Winehouse on Twitter (@awinehouse1).

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